I prayed anyways, 3.5 hours later than my "ideal self" would have. As per the advice of my new spiritual director, I asked God, "What do you want from me?".
What did I read immediately after that?
Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For God gives to God's beloved even in his sleep.
[Psalm 127:1-2, emphasis mine]
Is life a test I can excel at by trying harder? Or is my life a gift of love? Do I really believe I am so beloved of God that God gives to me even while I'm sleeping in?
And then I read Luke 18:9-14, the story of the Pharisee and the tax collector praying.
The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: "God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get."
I could probably add: "I get up early and pray more than those other people".
But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, "God, be merciful to me, the sinner!"
Jesus finishes the story with:
"For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Is this a competition? One I can win by getting up earlier, praying more, trying harder, and being better than "other people"? Or is this a gift I can only receive in humility? Maybe I should just be thankful for the chance to sleep in. Maybe I should just acknowledge my status as an unworthy sinner and ask for mercy.
Maybe I just need to receive God's unfathomable love as nothing but gift.
Even in my sleep.
5 comments:
While maybe not particularly enlightening, this seemed somewhat relevant:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-38SmC9dvdKo/Tfe1vTGkhpI/AAAAAAAACkQ/_lCE7XS7hVU/s1600/proverbs6-9.png
it's much easier to get sucked into all the "shouldding on myself" when i'm in this part of the world. thanks for sharing this, it is a timely reminder.
Its really nice blog. Gift basket is one of the best way to express your feelings. Gifts make me smile always.
I have been wondering about some of these same things lately. It is hard to fathom a Godly love that is so freely given and that we don't have to earn. I never feel worthy.
I have enjoyed catching up on these blog posts, Kenny. Love you.
Hi Kenny Hiser-man
For a minute there I thought I already commented. Beth echoed my thoughts.
Gayle R
Post a Comment